About Me

Mike Dowis is a certified badass. He is better than you at everything (except Lumines, but that game sucks).


Michael David Dowis was born February 8th, 1984 on a little place called the moon.  Look it up.  He grew up in rural Michigan, where he enjoyed competitive cage fighting, backpacking, and starting fires.  Mike currently lives in Mt. Pleasant, Michigan, where he goes by the alias “Lance Killmeister”.  He attends Central Michigan University and is employed as an assassin, lumberjack, and pyrotechnics professional.


When not solving complex differential equations or cutting down trees, Mike enjoys beating people who tout the merits of anime over cartoons like Futurama.  He usually does this with a tube sock and a billiards ball.  Mike also enjoys practicing Jeet Kune Do with his personal trainer, Jet Fucking Li.

Sometimes, just for the hell of it, Mike flies to California with his jet pack and kicks down children’s sandcastles.  While there, he will also occasionally wax rental surfboards with chum.


“Mike [Dowis] was, easily, the best I’ve ever had.”
-Tina Fey

“Oh, yeah.  Easily the best.”
-Megan Fox

-Tiger Woods

“I wish he’d stop putting things in my mailbox…”
-Miley Cyrus

“I owe everything to that man.  Mike Dowis is a true American hero.”
-Barack Obama


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