A Little Free Q&A.

For those of you who don’t know what I do (nothing), I’m a PR major with a focus in media relations. Blah blah blah, right? I know. The point is, I’ve decided to do some pro bono work for an institute with some media image problems right now: CERN.

With pseudo scientists and yellow journalists spreading rumors about their Large Hadron Collider, people are asking questions, and I feel like someone (me) should give them answers.

On the subject of black holes:

Q: How do they know a small black hole will just dissolve? Why wont it grow uncontrollably bigger and eat everything in the nearby space time continuum? We only live in 4 dimensions… and it seems clear from upper level physics there are definitely more dimensions than that around. Maybe it will create a portal into other dimensions or just weird stuff we can’t even imagine…
–Matt

A: Good question, idiot. We’re supposed to assume from your post that you have a competent grasp of “upper level physics”, but you can’t figure out when to properly use ellipses (Hint: It involves omission, and is not a substitute for a single period)? To answer your question, maybe you’ve heard of this guy:

I Masters It

That’s right, Stephen Hawking has done some math that would dissolve your brain and concluded that any black holes created by the LHC would lack stability and would dissolve in tiny bursts of radiation. Do you know more about quantum physics than Stephen Hawking, Matt? Quick, name me two people that do. I’m waiting. That’s right, Matt, you don’t know any, you bitch. Next question.

Q: A black hole is, by definition, a gravitational force so strong that nothing, not even photons, can climb back out. How can such a thing “dissolve”?
–Pete

A: The answer to this question is as simple as your mind, Pete (if that is your real name). All black holes emit radiation known as “Black Body Radiation”. That’s right, a black hole expels energy, contrary to your “definition” of a black hole, which some would call “simplistic”, and others would call “retarded”. Mathematically, a black hole created by the LHC would have a mass of only a few neutrons, which would be dispelled by the ejection of the Black Body Radiation in a matter of nanoseconds. Next time you define something, try looking at something other than Webster’s. Even Wikipedia could have answered this one for you, Petey.

Q: It is interesting to me that [CERN Physicist] Dr. Huth admits that a black hole could result, but would be so small that it would take “many, many, many, many, many lifetimes of the universe before one of these things could [get] big enough” to become a problem. Isn’t that a problem? Why is it in our culture that potential future problems are not taken seriously?
-Bethanna

A: Your name is stupid.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me call attention to how retarded you are, even without the empirical evidence of your name (Bethanna, psh!). You cite the respected Dr. Huth (where’s the “Dr.” in front of your name, Banana Fanna Foe Bethanna?) as saying it would take “many, many, many, many, many lifetimes of the universe before one of these things could [get] big enough” to become a problem. Then you ask if this is a problem. Bitch, please! The keys here are the words “LIFETIMES OF THE UNIVERSE”. This means that before a minute black hole would become large enough to destroy even one planet, the Universe, to say nothing of our own solar system, would be long fucking gone, baby. Don’t even try to compare our current climate/energy crises with the remote dangers of a tiny black hole, you tangential hippy whore.

A Serious Problem
Bethanna thinks this could someday be a problem…

On the subject of God, Religion, etc…

Q: I just don’t understand why there is a need to know. Somethings [sic] should be left a mystery. Maybe we are[n’t] meant to know how, why, when, where, [or] what after we leave our physical forms. If energy never dies who is to say that after we depart our physical forms that we don’t evolve into something else[?]
–Melly

A: You don’t understand why there’s a need to know, Smelly? Our curiosity is responsible for our evolution, or at the very least our progress, as a species. How about when you get some horrible cancer (and you will, for being so goddamn stupid) and you want someone to cure it for you, the doctors will just say, “Well, we didn’t understand the need to know, so we didn’t do any research or experiments.” Sorry bitch, you’re gonna’ die.

P.S. To answer your question, we rot in the ground after we “depart our physical forms”. Any energy released by our dying would be completely unrecognizable and indistinguishable from all the other identical energies flying around. This is not about philosophy or metaphysics, it’s about understanding the fundamentals of existence.

Q: Hmmm… A meticulously controlled experiment under conditions created and designed from human intelligence… The question science will never answer is, “What intelligence, if any, led to the Big Bang in the first place?”
–John

A: Well, John (the Baptist?), if we’re going to effectively recreate the Big Bang under laboratory conditions, wouldn’t that shed some light on the question of what intelligence, if any, led to our Big Bang? If we, as human beings, can do what your “God” did 13.4 billion years ago in a laboratory, wouldn’t that lend a unique understanding to the situation? How can you claim that science will never answer that question? You are a short-sighted moron who probably needs help tying his own shoes. Cheerily go fuck yourself.

On the subject of cost:

Q: 9 billion dollars just to prove some theories about what happened billions of years ago and boost some egos. Imagine what 9 billion would do for cancer research or how many mouths that would feed.
–Barry

A: Oh, Barry, if only you were the master of unlocking.


An artist’s rendition of Barry the Bleeding Hearted Bitch.

Although this isn’t really a question, it still warrants an answer, or at the very least a response. According to the National Cancer Institute, the cost of the LHC would supply their budget with funds for less than two years. The cost of one year of the US occupation of Iraq, on the other hand, would fulfill the Institute’s current budget for over a quarter century. But hey, at least our invasion of a sovereign nation halfway across the globe wasn’t about satisfying someone’s ego, right?

If you’re looking for your ass, it’s right here. That’s right, I just handed it to you.


You can have this back, Barry.

Q: It tickles me when people claim that spending 9 billion dollars to learn some of the important mysteries of the Universe is a waste of money. Really? What could possibly be more important than extending the boundaries human knowledge? Owning several jets to fly us around for entertainment? Building several sky-scrapers with multi-million dollar lofts? Expanding local freeway systems a few lanes wider? Think about it.
-The Human Pursuit

A: Oh, I have thought about it, THP (nice name, dipshit). And yes, owning several jets to fly me around for my entertainment would be sweet. What they should have done with this money is given to me. Then I’d buy all my friends jetpacks and pizza. Then you’d wish you were on my good side. Seriously, though, comparing scientific grant money with money spent by the top .001% of world earners or money spent on civil engineering projects is dumb as all fuck. The similarities are simply not present. Thanks for calling.

Well, that’s all we have time for today, kids. If you’re wondering where these questions came from, check here.

Also, CERN, you’re welcome.

~M

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~ by mfive on September 16, 2008.

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