See? This is why the world hates Americans…

My fellow Americans,

We are in trouble. Deep, deep trouble. We’re about to unwittingly vote the Antichrist into the Whitehouse!

Seriously, do a Google search for Barack Obama and Antichrist. No really, open a tab here and do it. Did you get nearly 400,000 search results, too? Thank the Lord Almighty we have the McCain campaign and the Evangelical Christian presence on the internet to steer us away from the (supposedly) preordained rise of the Antichrist.

Never mind that this assertion is blindingly ignorant and carries with it a subtle undertone of both racism and the fear-mongering that has become synonymous with the Conservative Right. It’s like the more idiotic elements of the Right came together and said, “Well, our candidate is an alright guy, but he also seems untrustworthy to the Evangelicals. Also, he has the same birthday as the Big Bang, has no discernible policy differences with the previous administration, and appears to either have Down’s Syndrome or be constipated whenever he gives a speech. How can we possibly make the other guy seem worse?”

Then, someone in the back, probably wearing the Confederate flag as a t-shirt, stood up and said, “What if he was the Antichrist?” Then he coughed and said, “Nigger” under his breath.

Brilliant idea.

I guess my question to the literalist Christians out there is: “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?” A follow up question would be: “Would you like to be elbowed in the mouth?”

Now, before you start calling me a Jesus-hating socialist asshole, let me preemptively say, “Go fuck yourself”. Ok, now you can call me that. Then you can go back to conveniently ignoring the fact that there is no such thing as the Antichrist or the rapture, and that the Book of Revelations was in fact a coded letter bemoaning the persecution of Christians under the Roman Empire (which, at the time, wasn’t “Holy”). In fact, Revelations isn’t even a book of prophecy, as any credible biblical scholar would tell you.

If you choose to believe a comforting lie based on a collection of books compiled from dozens of different places and cultures and arbitrarily canonized by the Church 1800 years ago, that’s your choice, but you should at least read and study the books in question. The Left Behind series isn’t fucking canon, you morons. It has less basis in reality than the Da Vinci Code.

But hey, at least the Evangelical Right doesn’t make the rest of us Americans look like bigoted idiots who will believe any bullshit that comes down the internet pipe, right?

Right?

~M

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~ by mfive on August 9, 2008.

3 Responses to “See? This is why the world hates Americans…”

  1. THAT’S NOT CANON!

  2. Indeed.

  3. I always thought to myself we minus will just follow the Harry Potter books instead of the Bible. Really? Would it be all that different?

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