A little help?

It’s come to my attention that some people don’t understand what the internet was meant to do. People seem to think that the internet is the accumulated knowledge of the world, that it helps people do business and communicate in the blink of an eye. These people think the internet exists to help them find cupcake recipes and homeopathic teas from Indo-China. You are wrong. The internet exists for two reasons: masturbation and making people feel bad about themselves (sometimes simultaneously).

Now, since some of us (me) have a constant stream of the opposite sex trying to break into their apartments for late night sex-stravaganzas ™, we don’t need so much of the internet’s masturbatory functions. For us, the internet is for spewing your vitriolic rage at strangers.

I was reading someone else’s blog, which I occasionally do because it makes me feel better about my own, when I saw a link to a different website, www.onblastatlast.com. If you haven’t clicked on that link yet, go ahead and open it in a new tab, because it’s important that you know where I’m coming from here. Ok, now go scrub your eyeballs with holy water and bleach. Better? Ok.

So, the owner/moderator/evil entity of onblastatlast.com wrote the following entreaty in the comments section of the blog I was reading: “I just made a list of the 10 ways you know your a douchebag!! If you could read my blog and comment, I’d appreciate any feedback!!!”

I visited his blog. Oh yeah, I visited the hell out of it.

Here’s the feedback I gave him:

Hyde: You should add “You type everything in your blog in all caps” to your douchebag list. I’m sorry, but people like you should be banned from even owning a computer in the first place. I’m not suggesting that everything we type on the internet should be free from typos and slang, but for Christ’s sake, glancing at your blog made me want to hijack a plane, fly it to California, land it in your backyard, politely ring your doorbell, then jack you in the face with a stepladder when you opened up. If the Earth were to be struck by a comet, I would want it to land on you. I seriously hate you. You make children cry, and not in the good way, like I do, but in the bad, bad way; the way “Old Yeller” makes children cry. Someday I will literally kill you (metaphorically speaking). Have fun “keeping it real”, you moron.

I love the internet almost as much as I hate it.

-M

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~ by mfive on August 5, 2008.

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